a little girl

One day I hope to meet a man, who makes me feel like this:

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go
Bright Eyes - First Day Of My Life

And then sometime after we've figured out this is a forever gig, we can take the best of us and craft the most wonderful little person. I want my daughter to be a daddy's girl, though when she falls I want her to need me. I'll braid her hair and read her all of my favourite childhood books. We'll sing and dance everywhere. I'll tuck her into bed a little tighter than necessary, so that she always feels wrapped up in my love. We'll make magic in the kitchen. I'll provide her with every opportunity under the sun. We'll laugh until our cheeks are sore. I'll look into her eyes in awe and wonder how I made something so scrumptious. And she'll never question if she's loved, because she'll feel it in each breath I take.

This is what I want for my daughter. I look forward to being a mama, but I know that's a million years away from now. I'm okay with that, I've got so much to do and having a child does restrict you, in terms of travel at least. I'm also missing a pretty key component in that whole baby making process *cough cough eligible bachelors email me*

It breaks my heart to see kids at the orphanage who haven't had parents who love them passionately. Some of them have been abused and neglected. One little boy was found, two years ago, wandering the village, rummaging in rubbish bins for food, severely underweight and underdeveloped - he's still tiny. A brother and sister watched their father murder their mother in front of their eyes. In my mind, children are a precious gift that need to be treasured. I can't understand how adults can hurt children, let alone their own.

This little girl is Srey Mao. Srey means girl in Khmer, so half of the girls at the centre are called Srey. I wonder if the Czech Republic's customs officials would notice her stowed as carry on? She's ridiculously wonderful and that smile is contagious. While I don't have any children of my own, I'm quite happy to invest all of my love into the kids at NFO. I hope, through the time other volunteers and I spend with them, they can understand how precious and loved they really are.

I've only got a week left here in Takeo and I'm going to make sure it's amazing.

rain

I've almost been in Takeo a week now and I must confess that I've been sick basically the whole time. My days have been spent rolling around in bed feeling terribly sorry for myself. I've had a variety of awful and exaggerated flu-like symptoms. I went to a doctor ($228) in Phnom Penh and was tested for Malaria and Dengue and thankfully came back negative for both. I'm almost on the mend, but last night I had one of those coughs where you wake yourself up mid coughing fit, on the verge of death.

I've been quite upset as I was supposed to be teaching English classes this week and next. These photos of the kids playing and enjoying the rain are a nice reminder to look on the bright side of things. At least I'm sick in the place that most feels like home here in Asia. I can afford medical care. I'll be better soon. I'll be in Europe soon.

september

Yesterday I was in Siem Reap. Every time i've been there I've wanted to go to the Angkor Hospital for Children to donate blood and I've never found the time. This time I decided I wouldn't let myself leave without donating. I've donated blood back home, but I have quite deep veins so it's always a painful process. Yesterday was no exception. The nurse struggled three times trying to locate a vein. I showed her that she had to hunt around my arm's crease, but she didn't. Finally a doctor came in and successfully found a vein, on the crease, first attempt. Today the three entry points are badly bruised. I look like some kind of addict. The doctor complimented my blood, score! Tourists make up the majority of blood donations, as Cambodians believe donating blood will make them weak and unable to work properly. I'll make it a habit whenever I'm in Siem Reap to pop in and give some love back to this wonderful country.

It probably wasn't the wisest decision to donate before transit. It was difficult (and painful) to carry my bags and the bandaids came off in the heat. I was collected for the bus at 12:30 - because the donation took so long I had no time for lunch - and we ended up waiting at the bus station for just shy of two hours for the bus. Due to the rain, the roads were in poor condition and the we were traveling a lot slower than I anticipated. I slept a lot, but was growing a bit tired of being on a bus.

Finally we stopped at a rest station and I sat down to order some food. A cute little girl came over to the table and leaned on a spare seat, smiling at me bashfully. I smiled back and she sat down. Soon her mother joined us, and they ordered too. I found it a little odd, considering the majority of the tables were free, but I was happy to have company. Throughout lunch I caught the girl sneaking glimpses of me and we exchanged awkward smiles. I noticed they were sharing a soup and wondered if it was because they couldn't afford a meal each. I decided to get the bill for the table (a whole $4.50) and went back to the bus. A few minutes later the little girl sat next to me, and leaned into me. I had my laptop, it was charged and fully equipped with The Lion King. We sat there, in the dark, on a wobbly bus, with an ear phone in each ear. Whenever there was a song, she'd tap me on the shoulder and give me the thumbs up. When the movie had finished I searched for music she might like and settled on Justin Bieber. It's my secret shame - Baby reminds me of the first time I was in Cambodia. This little girl didn't realise that just because she could hear the music while she sung along, didn't mean the rest of the bus could. We opened up Photo Booth and clearly had a blast. Eventually she fell to sleep curled up on a ball, resting her head on my lap.

I've said it before: Whenever I go through some kind of difficulty and overcome it with a happy mind, the universe seems to reward me. She was my reward, that bus ride was without a doubt the most amazing I've ever had and it is the very reason I travel. To have those moments with locals where you are separated by language and culture, but still you find some common ground. You enjoy each other's company in the most simple and pure ways. It was absolutely wonderful.

I'm taking a self imposed break from Facebook - not sure for how long. I'm just sick of it, tired of it... I feel like it's the same old stuff over and over. I try to live my life without regrets, but I think when I am 70 I'll certainly be disappointed in how much time I withered away on it!!! It's September and it's going to be a very exciting month for me :D

merry go round

A year ago, I was in Europe. It was a different kind of trip to that I'm accustomed to now. It wasn't to my own itinerary, but it was really wonderful. It was my first glimpse at something different to what I call home. It confirmed what I had always suspected: I would love travel and I would want to see more of our world.

I'm all kinds of excited to know that in three weeks my heels will be touching that same soil that changed my everything.

I arrived in Siem Reap and I decided to treat myself. I was walking to the store to buy a tub of ice cream (yes, a whole tub! to eat in bed, of course) when I walked past a massage place. And in a perfect moment of "why not?" I went inside and melted into my chair for a whole hour. It was divine and exactly what I needed.

I'm just about to do 1000 jumping jacks; I want to donate blood at the Angkor Children's hospital but I always have problems when I try to donate blood. Usually they poke and prod both arms, trying to harvest me for whatever they can. I've given successfully, a few times, but it's always painful and difficult. Hopefully my ridiculous bout of exercise will make me an excellent candidate. I think it's important to give what you can, when you can.

otherside

I don't really like photos of myself for a number of reasons. Firstly, I'm not photogenic. I have crazy hair that often rebels in every direction. Just as a temper tantrum of a child isn't pleasant on film, there are days where images containing my hair should not preserved. Secondly, my camera is very good, it is very sensitive and you can zoom into anything in great detail. This makes me anxious, I don't want someone zooming in on ME. It's creepy. Thirdly, I always try to take flattering photos of people, intentionally using angles that help accentuate their natural beauty and mute any double chins. People who like to take photos of me aren't so kind. Sometimes they're just mean.

There aren't so many photos of me floating around, but on this trip the lads I was with took a few. Sometimes they took photos of me taking photos. It's fun comparing what we both shot.

missing things

Missing things is a blessing. It means you've had really amazing things in your life, that were so special that you ache for them.

I miss the little dirt roads of Takeo. I miss the beautiful kids from NFO. I miss all of the wonderful friends I made there. I miss feeling so content I wondered if I would burst from happiness.








I can't wait to go back, but I know deep in my heart of hearts it'll never be quite the same. I'm so grateful for these parts six months. I am really blessed.

I can't begin to explain

how we disassemble the parts and frame

baby it's the same late morning
the same no show
it's the same fucking habits
i guess we don't know


<3 <3 <3 Naked and Famous - All of this.

I think sometimes people come into your life to steer you in the right direction; to set a path for you to follow. On the slow boat boarding crossing from Thailand to Laos I met a lovely lass who told me all about NFO and told me I had to come. I'd considered volunteering, it was something I really wanted to do in Asia, but I was running out of time before I had to be home for university. It was my chats with her that solidified the idea of taking another gap year and doing something I have always wanted to do.


I can't even begin to explain how amazing NFO is. My days here are so simple, but so fulfilling. We try to wake up early and go visit the Monks to chat with them. They practice their English and you can ask them anything you want to know. It turns out they are quite the flirts! Most of them are pretty open about the fact they are only monks so they can get cheap/free education.

Most days we head down to the local market which is the first really authentic market I've come across in Asia. No one speaks English. You have to haggle prices by holding up fingers. They have the most amazing deep fried bananas - they are actually to die for. This market is huge, you can get everything from laundry powder to nail polish and all kinds of fruits. I've tried a lot of new fruit since being here - a favourite is dragon fruit; it's pink on the outside and black and white on the inside. Yum. I also ate something that resembled a baby coconut which was a bit too weird for my liking. Oh and jackfruit! It's a giant fruit that tastes like candy. It actually tastes like candy; it is insane.

A few minutes from the market is this store called Cool Mart - it is a pretty standard petrol station store, but it is the only place we've found in Takeo that stocks yoghurt, so usually we go in and buy their entire batch of plain dutch yoghurt. After about 10:30am it gets difficult to walk around in the heat, so we'll usually drop by the house before heading up for the 12:00pm class. Natalie and Jess, two girls I met on the overnight bus from Laos to Vietnam are actually teachers back home in England. They've been assigned two classes while they're here and I've taken the liberty of being their teacher's aid.

Hidden in the arts supply room were heaps of resources that the girls are making the most of using, including giving the kids their own personal mini whiteboards! We're quite early on in their lessons and at the moment just trying to gauge the level of the kids. It's really different being inside a Cambodian class room. The kids want to be there. In fact we're constantly having to turn away kids who are not allocated in the class. They raise their hand (most of the time) and stand to give the answers. The difference in the past two days is already noticeable. We're really focusing on giving the kids a lot of positive reinforcement, because you can tell that some of them have not really had many positive things in their lives prior.

After the first class I generally hang about with the kids a little bit before we head back to the house to hide from the sun. The heat is so intense here, by 1pm I'm really exhausted, even though I've not done that much with my day. The girls found the most amazing ice coffee place that sells them for only 1000 reil which is about 25 cents. They're pretty much a glass filled with ice and half of condensed milk and the other half of coffee. I know it sounds gross, and it's not something I'd think to do at home, but it's amazing (at least by asian standards!). We usually just chill on the balcony for a few hours hiding from the bugs and the sun.

At about 3pm we start heading back for the second class of the day. This is the class who is struggling a bit more with English and having a 3:45pm class does not help with their progress. Today we had to go back to basics, right back to the alphabet. There's a little lad named Tee, he's only been at the orphanage 6 months and he's tiny. He's the type of boy who only does things when he wants to and he'll outright ignore you when you try to speak to him. He might approach you if he wants to, but it's unlikely. Today during class he chose to sat right next to me and leaned against me during the lessons. He was doing really well naming the alphabet when Jess was pointing to the letters so I encouraged him to answer one of her questions. He put his hand up, waited patiently, when selected stood upright and exclaimed the correct answers. It was such a cool thing to see. Natalie treated him to a sticker and he placed it on my forehead. From that moment on, we were best buds. When he was later awarded another sticker and he chose to stick it on his forehead, we were twins.



We had to go collect six stones for alphabet bingo outside. I asked him if he wanted me to help and he nodded at me. So we rushed outside together and hunted for stones. Through alphabet bingo he'd prod me on the arm and ask whether he had the letter being called out. I encouraged him to hunt for it but helped him when I could see he was getting bored. He did very well. It was such a huge improvement for the little lad who didn't even want to make eye contact. I can't wait to see how things are tomorrow. All three of us had little knots in our tummy watching him come out of his shell. It was really special and I think it's been a little tap on the shoulder to let me know, yes I could be a good teacher, and yes I'd find it really genuinely rewarding. Cool feeling :-)

After class we usually drag ourselves home and once again nest ourselves into the chairs on the deck. In the afternoon NFO becomes really social when everyone heads back in. We've got about 15 people here at the moment which means there's always someone to chat to :-) A group of 11 or so of us are planning a trip away to the beaches this weekend - I can't wait!

Life is good. I'm in my element! This is something I've wanted to do forever, and I'm doing it. I am loving it :)

It's amazing how badass your life can be when you stop making excuses and do what you want to do. So simple. Wish I'd figured it out sooner.

It's a little too good.

I've been thinking all day about how I'm going to write this post. I've been aching to write something more about Phnom Penh but I'm hesitant because I don't want it to be too showy. I don't want it to be too happy. I know not everyone is as lucky (and ridiculous) as I am, and many people don't have the luxury of this much time to travel. But I can't let that take away from the fact I am on, without a doubt, the most amazing adventure of my lifetime.

I've been so lazy here in Phnom Penh. Today I woke up at 12pm. In all fairness I don't have any time telling devices since I lost my iPod and left the lads. The room was pitch black, I had no chance! So, I didn't do the killing fields today. I think it's really important I do see them before I go to the orphanage. I think it'll give me even more perspective and understanding of the Khmer regime.

I must say this without sounding up myself or arrogant. I would describe myself as of average attractiveness in New Zealand. I do okay, and that's fine by me. But here in Asia, most specifically Cambodia, I am a novelty. When I walk down a street, almost every single guy who notices me will follow me with his eyes as long as he can. Most of them will call out something to get my attention, I just smile and say hello and keep on my merry way. It's very flattering, and it makes me blush. I end up just walking around with a constant smile on my face and acknowledge every single person my path crosses. It makes my tummy nervous in a good way.

Today I went on a little adventure. I finally checked out the Russian markets and bought two pairs of Ray Bans - one red, one black. I spent a few hours wandering around the surrounding side streets, trying to find stores that weren't in English. After making my way to the mall I grabbed a pottle of clear nail polish and a frozen yoghurt. The heat was exhausting and I decided to head home. I walked past an electronics store that was blasting dance music loudly. I saw a bunch of kids dancing so I asked their parents if I could film in some awkward sign language fashion. I showed the kids and the parents the footage and they all burst out into jolly giggles. It was really sweet. I think it was at this point of the day my mouth started to hurt from smiling too much.

On the way home I saw a bunch of young boys playing soccer on a tiny piece of grass nestled in the middle of a busy intersection. I decided to set up base there for a while, and just sat down on the edge of the field watching them. Their ball rushed towards me. Before it went off the edge onto the busy road, I picked it up and threw it back to the kid who was bouncing with the most enthusiasm. From that moment on I was one of the boys. I decided to take some photos of them playing soccer, just casually, sitting down on the ground. I decided specifically not to move, I didn't want to impose on their game. I only had my 85mm with me. Initially I regretted it, and cursed myself for not buying a 24-70. There is something very special about the 85mm lens, and it captured things more beautifully than I could have hoped for.





One of the little boys noticed me taking photos and came over. He started to casually perform for me. I'm not sure he wanted me to know that it was his intention, but it was a little obvious. I think he was showing off. He just spent a solid 10 minutes doing hand stands in front of me. I took lots of photos, and he kept looking over to make sure I was. I ushered him over to look at the photos, he cracked up laughing, then I turned my camera on him and caught the most beautiful laugh/smile I've ever seen.







While I was sitting on the grass on the edge of the road a little walked past with her baby. The little girl was absolutely adorable, I just instinctively reached for my camera, pointed up and hoped for the best. There was no changing settings, no consideration and I absolutely adore the result:




I saw there was a photo processing store across the road, so decided to try to get some of the photos printed for the kids. Unfortunately I had shot all the photos only in RAW format and the store only had old photoshop so there was no way I could edit them on the spot. A bit of a shame. I decided to continue my journey home, making a quick stop in my local stationary store to buy more ridiculously cheap goodies.

I walked a little further and was drawn to this little girl and her dad. They'd just gotten out of a Tuk Tuk and the dad was encouraging the girl to wave at her driver. I am not sure why I stopped and questioned with only hand movements whether I could take a photo. I'm happy I did though, I feel like I really caught a moment between a doting dad and a lovely lass. After I'd taken the photo I showed him and he asked for my email address to get a copy. He was actually amazed with the photo and it was such a great feeling.





I dumped all my baggage at my hotel and then decided to grab some dinner to eat. I've found a local street food restaurant that does amazing fried rice for around $1. It's the second time I've been there. I like it mostly because the menu doesn't have a word of English. The chef doesn't speak English. Thankfully he's got a younger member of staff who speaks better English than I do. This restaurant serves complimentary green tea. When you sit down you get a cup filled almost entirely with ice. There are jugs of warm green tea on the table, you pour it in and the ice melts almost instantly, resulting in a really nice temperature iced tea! It's delicious. Both times I've been I've had two cups and only stopped there because I didn't want to be too greedy. I tipped them, again, as much as the meal cost. I can't begin to describe the genuine appreciation the waitstaff showed for a dollar tip. It really puts things into perspective.

I came home and sat up all cozy in the common area pretending to read some Vietnamese magazine. The sound of drums was pouring in through the open balcony, from what I assume was another wedding celebration. There's been one every night or the same one every night. Sometimes it's hard to believe this is my life. I don't think I'm used to being this happy, this content. My life is really simple: no obligations, no drama, no restrictions. I'm trying to figure out how to capture exactly how I feel; I want to lock it in a little jar, so that the next time I'm restricted or stuck in a rut, I can unscrew the lid and breathe this magic in.

I'm madly and deeply in love with my life. There's so many things I miss, so many places I miss; but I think you're lucky when you miss things. It means you've had something really special that's worth remembering : )

India. I've always wanted to go, but I've always considered it something too dangerous to do by myself. There's this saying I adopted when I couldn't decide whether I should go to Thailand. Whether I had permission from the fun police to go. It was the only thing that gave me any clarity; "Why not?" closely followed by "What better time then now?"

We'll see. I've decided I might postpone the orphanage one more day! I wanna make the most of Phnom Penh. I'm not sure why specifically but I am very smitten with this dirty, busy city and it's beautifu,l smiley people. Very smitten indeed.

Forgive me for this mushy, sickly post, but it had to be said.

Much love xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ps. This song is rocking my pants off at the moment http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHC8vuBU9rg&NR=1