Upwards

Matters of the heart hurt.

Emotions run deep within all of us, surfacing at the worst of times.

One of my weaknesses is that I can get lost in things; the beauty of sunshine, the chant of monks as dawn breaks, the fleetingness of a moment and the passion shared with another; the possibility in all of that.


They say fools rush in. I seem to jump in, eyes closed, breath paused and I hope for the best. Most often this brings all kinds of adventures, sprinkled with happiness, soaked in experiences and with a hint of sweet knowing - knowing that it was the perfect choice, at the perfect time.


Sometimes, however, the landing isn't smooth and I seem to feel a little battered and bruised. Maybe I trusted too much; maybe I assumed too quickly or worst of all; maybe I was just wrong.

When this happens, it's hard to trust in yourself and in those decisions you made moments long ago. I'm learning, I'm learning to accept that in whatever moment I made the best decision I thought possible.

And that's all that I could ask of myself.

My motto for this year was to be kind; to have a solid foundation of kindness beneath everything. To have kind thoughts, kind feelings and kind actions.

I feel like I'm stepping, slowly, closer towards the person I want to be. To the person I need to be.

I still remember when I was 6 or 7 and I went with my grandma to our local supermarket. She never had much money, but she would always specifically choose to by World Vision sponsored products, because a few cents here and there were donated to charity. I saw her intentionally picking these out and asked why she was doing that.

She said to me,

"I'm just doing what I can to help, we all need to do as much as we can for others"

I find myself in an incredible position, right now. A fresh self-created career as a freelance writer that pays the bills and enough for me to do whatever I please. Detached from anyone and anywhere. But most of all, I find myself inspired; inspired by the words of a lady who left my life too long ago.

We all need to do as much as we can for others. 

I'm going to figure out how I can play my piece.

Of all the places I've visited, there's only one place that feels unresolved.

It's India. It's obvious.

Here's to heartache and the amazing way it rips you open and like a vacuum sucks the world of possibilites inside you.

Here's to bigger and better things.

And here's to making the world a better place.

Here, again.

It was two years ago, almost exactly I first made this blog. It was a lullaby I made for myself, to soothe through the ache of losing someone, to calm my fears as I plunged into the world of travel and it's not surprising I find myself here again - seeking comfort once again.

But things are different; there's a new heartache and instead of needing the courage to take the plunge, I need to regain my courage to stay still.

There was someone who I traveled the entire world thinking of, missing and loving. When I returned home things quickly exploded into a mess of heartache and hurt.

It went from nothing, to everything, to less than nothing within a span of five days.

But I guess it only take a second or a text to change the course of your entire life.


I sit here, trying to rearrange my thoughts, trying to make sense out of something that is founded on anything but sense and all I realise is what a different girl I am.

I'm stronger, braver and more comfortable in myself. I am just as aware of my imperfections, my fiery passion and my unsatisfiable curiosity, but these are my strengths - these are what make me more me.

I met a boy I would have stopped traveling the world for, I came home to see him and it dissolved into nothingness. Facebook deletion, a few tears and a bit of heartache and here I am wondering how everything could so easily turn into nothing.

I believe that everyone comes into your life to teach you something, to show you something or to push you towards something.

I had hoped that he would play a bigger part in my life, that all that passion and desire could turn into something incredible. But I've come to realise, quite quickly, that maybe it has already been all it was supposed to be.

I met him so that I could be pulled back to Christchurch for a summer. So that I could stop, evaluate the past two years and dig a little deeper into being myself.

It's sad... letting go. But I'm glad I met him, I glad we had whatever we did, even if it did confuse the hell out of me and I'm glad I have this time to focus on myself and what I want out of life - because somewhere along the way I got a little confused - blinded by the promise of affection.

I know the steps I have to take to realign myself; a new camera so I can see again, a new hair cut so I feel all shiny, gym, clean diet and good times with friends and family.

Part of me hopes this isn't the end, part of me hopes that there will be a second chance where we get to explore whatever we had, but a big part of me is okay if this is all it was meant to be.

What a difference two  years makes.

A letter to me

"I have found, that if you love life, life will love you back." - Arthur Rubinstein

When I left home in November 2010, I'm not sure what I was looking for. Maybe just an escape, a break from the constraints of what society had told me to do - study, work, marriage, babies, rinse and repeat, retire and then you can start doing what you want to do. Maybe I was just running away from a broken heart. I don't really know anymore.

I had no idea I'd be gone for so long. Although I had a brief stint home in February of last year because of the earthquake, and more recently just to visit again, I've been gone almost two years - it will be 23 months before I finally 'move' home.

I've learned some big lessons along the way, those that I doubt I could have learned without pushing myself well out of my comfort and into the deep unknown. 

In November 2010, when I was in Thailand, I remember feeling moved to pray. I lit some incense and sat before a temple and all that I could think to ask the universe was (I'm not religious) for the ability to find joy in unusual places.

And since then, I've found it in the strangest places.

After the devastating earthquake, I tried to learn perspective. In that, although things were awful for me in that period of time and there was so much hurt in my family, that life could still be good. I searched for a similar beauty to that found in the truth that "the ocean never stops kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it is sent away" - there's a beauty in perseverance, even more so when it's harder, when it hurts more.

Almost a year ago I was stabbed in Indonesia, which is one of the most frightening experiences of my life. A few days after the attack, I learned to forgive in a way like never before. I could understand my attackers motivations and instead of feeling resentment or anger, I just felt a blanket of contentment and appreciation; for something terrible happened and I was fine.

I'm not really sure when it happened, when exactly I fell in love with life. But somewhere along this trip, I've developed the biggest crush on my world. There's a lot of sadness in this world, but I choose not to take it on board, too often. 

I think stripping away my materialistic positions, my attachment to a tangible home and my consumer lifestyle has opened up a lot of space within me to take life in. I notice things that I never used to. I have a greater affection for sunsets, the taste of food, and how sunshine feels when it dances on your skin. It's as if all of my attachment towards things has shifted towards experiences and they have become my priority in life.

I've been living in Madrid for three weeks now. It's the second place in the world that I've moved to without visiting first and it's the second time this has been one of my wisest decisions, ever. This city is more alive than any I've visited before. There's something infectious and fun about Madrid. All of the foreigners I've met who are living here are secretly plotting ways to extend their stays. I would be too, if I didn't have something so magic waiting for me at home.

One day, I'll return. But for now I'm so grateful that I'm spending this summer in Spain. I'm loving life and it's loving me right back. 

So, this is just a little note, to remind myself all that I've learned and loved since I left.

Distance

So, it's been a while *waves hand*. Since I last wrote here a lot has changed, I dealt with the first anniversary of losing my aunty, I flew to America for Coachella and had my camera stolen, I visited Mexico and ate too much Mexican food and then I boarded a flight back to New Zealand, the first time being home in ten months. Oh, I also made a website, it's travel related and I'd love for you to go check it out:

                         The Wrong Way Home


I didn't expect much from my trip home, a few hellos, cuddles, giggles and I planned to be back on my merry traveling way. Except sometimes life isn't so linear, sometimes the lines are a bit curvy. Or if you're me the lines seem to criss cross over each other into a linear tangled mess, so to speak. I arrived in Auckland, a place I called home before I left for my adventures and just felt uneasy. It was great to be surrounded by the familiar and familiar faces, but I just didn't feel right; something felt wrong. I was overwhelmed with a lack of ease, for no apparent reason. In hindsight I wonder if my body sensed that I was on the verge of great change.

It wasn't until I arrived in Christchurch, somewhere I'd long disregarded as being "home", that everything fell into place and I continued to fall, hard. Life is ironic. I remember when I wrote a blog post here about how happy I was, only for a massive earthquake to destroy my city and family a few days later. Recently, on my website, I wrote about the downsides of long term travel, the sacrifices you make, and one of them being basically giving up on the idea of being in a relationship for the foreseeable future.

And then I met someone.

Someone who just happens to be living with my very good friends, in my old flat, in my old room. I'm not even kidding. He's the kind of someone that makes all the previous someones that ever existed seem like blinking moments of unclarity. Have you ever met someone and been convinced, for the first few days, that you've met them before? That you know them, inside and out, when it's absolutely not possible. The someone who you feel better for knowing, for being around, because they bring out the best in you. Someone where the chemistry and conversation are so intense, that neither is better than the other, they just seem to be All Of Everything.


 I found someone like that, felt things I didn't even know were possible, and you know what I did?

 I left. 



Well, that's not quite true, I extended my time in Christchurch by a few weeks, then it got to the point where I was cutting into my time in Hong Kong and Europe, so I left. I boarded a flight to Sydney, where I am at the moment.



It just feels weird, a part of me knows that if it is what I think it is, then this will be a blink in our time together. The start of something. This will be an opportunity for us to grow as individuals, focusing on what we need to do, until I'm back in New Zealand in the summer time. But there's a big part of me, a loud part, that's nagging inside my head. The voice that keeps reminding me that I've never had anything like this before, and it's something I adore, and for those two reasons alone I should take the next flight back home and see what it will be.


Today was my first day in Sydney and I was woken up at 6:45am by my friend's alarm. I proceeded to roll around in bed, sulking, until well after lunch time. I feel deflated, literally. As if I was a balloon blown up, with helium even, floating around happily until reality came up in the form of a sharp pin and my balloon carcass went flying around the room, crashing into a wall and sliding down to the ground.


Okay, maybe that's being a bit dramatic, but maybe not. I guess the thing that scares me is the simple fact that I've never had anything like this. I've had boys I've liked, dated, loved, whatever - but this is different. There's no single thing that I can point at and nominate it as the cause of difference, it's just a collective difference. Whatever it is, it is special and my instinct is to do anything in my power to allow it to be whatever it will be.

But I'm trying to make myself follow through with my plans of spending the summer in Europe, even if it feels really unnatural, because I want to learn Spanish, so that I can withdraw my kiwisaver and to enjoy a European summer. I understand that any relationship requires compromise in order for it to work, but I feel like too often people compromise themselves for those that they care about.

I'm trying to find a middle ground between being All Of Me and the possibility of an us and it's not easy.

Here's some silly photos with my best friend to cheer things up, a bit.