Thursday, May 31, 2012


So, it's been a while *waves hand*. Since I last wrote here a lot has changed, I dealt with the first anniversary of losing my aunty, I flew to America for Coachella and had my camera stolen, I visited Mexico and ate too much Mexican food and then I boarded a flight back to New Zealand, the first time being home in ten months. Oh, I also made a website, it's travel related and I'd love for you to go check it out:

                         The Wrong Way Home

I didn't expect much from my trip home, a few hellos, cuddles, giggles and I planned to be back on my merry traveling way. Except sometimes life isn't so linear, sometimes the lines are a bit curvy. Or if you're me the lines seem to criss cross over each other into a linear tangled mess, so to speak. I arrived in Auckland, a place I called home before I left for my adventures and just felt uneasy. It was great to be surrounded by the familiar and familiar faces, but I just didn't feel right; something felt wrong. I was overwhelmed with a lack of ease, for no apparent reason. In hindsight I wonder if my body sensed that I was on the verge of great change.

It wasn't until I arrived in Christchurch, somewhere I'd long disregarded as being "home", that everything fell into place and I continued to fall, hard. Life is ironic. I remember when I wrote a blog post here about how happy I was, only for a massive earthquake to destroy my city and family a few days later. Recently, on my website, I wrote about the downsides of long term travel, the sacrifices you make, and one of them being basically giving up on the idea of being in a relationship for the foreseeable future.

And then I met someone.

Someone who just happens to be living with my very good friends, in my old flat, in my old room. I'm not even kidding. He's the kind of someone that makes all the previous someones that ever existed seem like blinking moments of unclarity. Have you ever met someone and been convinced, for the first few days, that you've met them before? That you know them, inside and out, when it's absolutely not possible. The someone who you feel better for knowing, for being around, because they bring out the best in you. Someone where the chemistry and conversation are so intense, that neither is better than the other, they just seem to be All Of Everything.

 I found someone like that, felt things I didn't even know were possible, and you know what I did?

 I left. 

Well, that's not quite true, I extended my time in Christchurch by a few weeks, then it got to the point where I was cutting into my time in Hong Kong and Europe, so I left. I boarded a flight to Sydney, where I am at the moment.

It just feels weird, a part of me knows that if it is what I think it is, then this will be a blink in our time together. The start of something. This will be an opportunity for us to grow as individuals, focusing on what we need to do, until I'm back in New Zealand in the summer time. But there's a big part of me, a loud part, that's nagging inside my head. The voice that keeps reminding me that I've never had anything like this before, and it's something I adore, and for those two reasons alone I should take the next flight back home and see what it will be.

Today was my first day in Sydney and I was woken up at 6:45am by my friend's alarm. I proceeded to roll around in bed, sulking, until well after lunch time. I feel deflated, literally. As if I was a balloon blown up, with helium even, floating around happily until reality came up in the form of a sharp pin and my balloon carcass went flying around the room, crashing into a wall and sliding down to the ground.

Okay, maybe that's being a bit dramatic, but maybe not. I guess the thing that scares me is the simple fact that I've never had anything like this. I've had boys I've liked, dated, loved, whatever - but this is different. There's no single thing that I can point at and nominate it as the cause of difference, it's just a collective difference. Whatever it is, it is special and my instinct is to do anything in my power to allow it to be whatever it will be.

But I'm trying to make myself follow through with my plans of spending the summer in Europe, even if it feels really unnatural, because I want to learn Spanish, so that I can withdraw my kiwisaver and to enjoy a European summer. I understand that any relationship requires compromise in order for it to work, but I feel like too often people compromise themselves for those that they care about.

I'm trying to find a middle ground between being All Of Me and the possibility of an us and it's not easy.

Here's some silly photos with my best friend to cheer things up, a bit.