Monday, August 28, 2017

Dos años y medio

It feels a little uncomfortable to be on this blog, because so so so so much has changed.

I'm tempted to delete old entries, but I think it's important to leave them there, so I can measure the distance from there to here. But I'm not even sure you can measure what feels like at least two lifetimes ago.

I often think of a saying by Lewis Carroll: "I can't go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then"

And if you hear that quote and understand,  then you'll know exactly what I mean. If not, one day you will.

How blessed can someone be, to meet someone from a place they're heading, before they even arrive. I still can't really wrap my head around that, some two and a half years later.

Next month, we'll be buying our second investment property, but this one is a little different. This one is a piece of land to build our own home. With space for my precious little puppy to race around. With room to grow and rooms to grow. Today we walked there to visit it again and I can't quite describe the way I feel when I stand on the empty lot, knowing all the memories we'll create and the life we'll literally build.

Y la verdad es que estoy demasiado orgullosa en nosotros, porque en un tiempo muy corto logramos mas que podia soñar. Estoy lista para ver que vamos a hacer en el proximo dos años y medio, y mas adelante, porque estoy segura que a tu lado, puedo hacer cada cosa.

No se como te encontré, que suerte tuve.

Pero yo se que era mas que suerte.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

When the Worst Thing is the Best Thing

Hindsight is probably the most wonderful thing in the world. I wish that current Izy could wrap up past Izy in a very nice dressing gown and tell her that everything would work out.

I wish I could tell her that it would be better than she could imagine, that she'd find somewhere so magical in the world she'd literally cry, real tears. Happy tears. After five years of searching, I found somewhere I loved enough to stay and it just happened to be a tax haven.

That she'd meet an amazing guy from where she's headed, before she even arrives there, in a different country, so unexpected that only a divine fate could have made it happen.

Then a few short months later, she'd find herself a proud owner of a ridiculous puppy called Inca that spends at least half of her time with her tongue dopily hanging out the side of her mouth. She's probably my greatest teacher: everything is always amazing for her, she is relentlessly happy.

I wish I knew that I'd figure out how to outsource basically all of my business, so that my spare time could be spent reading multiple books a week, drinking way too much delicious coffee where it's actually grown, walking through cobblestone streets and chasing Inca around the house.

I wish I'd known that the worst thing that I thought could ever happen could really be the best thing. Because from the deepest hurt, always seems to come the deepest strength. When you have nothing to lose, you have a bare foundation from which you can etch out every dream and desire, no matter how weird it's seemed in the past. Because when you're so broken that every thing has shattered, you can take your time putting the pieces back together exactly as you'd like.

So if you're having a moment where everything feels so bad, remember that maybe your worst thing may in some way become your best thing - or at least your greatest teacher.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

I Deserved Better

After 1.5 years of waiting for him to be ready to travel, after helping out with his expenses so he could move out of home and focus on university, after teaching him my entire business so he could make a decent income... after supporting him through everything.

He cheated on me and then looked me in the eye and lied to me over and over, even though I knew something was wrong.

Then when I confronted him, he didn't give a shit.

I had made mistakes in our relationship, but I had been honest and done my best to make him feel happy and confident again.

And it was nothing compared to this.

You know, there were all the warning signs; first he cheated on his previous girlfriend with me and it was SO EASY for him to do it. Then he lied to her, and lied to me.

And eventually when they broke up he had all these reasons she was so shit, and I believed them because I loved him. But maybe she wasn't even that bad, maybe he was the shit one.

There's absolutely no reason to cheat on someone like that, especially on holiday, especially after what a hard year I've had (and he knew that more than anyone).

But you know what, he'll be justifying his actions by focusing on EVERY shit thing I ever did and probably adding to them too. He'll be lying at me, attacking me, and bad mouthing me, so people feel sorry for him and to remove the blame for being a shitty person from him.

I gave him everything; I gave and gave and I loved and I loved and this is how he treats me?

It makes me feel sad that I blindly loved such a SHIT person for 2.5 years.

Because that's what he is, a shit person.

Because a good, kind person would never lie and hurt their girlfriend likes this. They'd never let them walk away in hysterics only to spend a few days of transit so upset they couldn't eat or sleep.

They wouldn't then slander them on Facebook and attack them.

That's not how good people act.

It's taken three weeks but I'm thankful things ended. Already so many amazing opportunities have come my way. I had my busiest week of work last week - made almost $8.7K in one week. I've spent heaps of time with great friends and made so many beautiful friendships I'll forever treasure. I got a little something special done... and I'm free. I'm not being held back by a selfish, financially draining, last-minute, vain, selfish asshole.

Maybe I'll always love him, maybe I'll always worry about him but I don't like the person he has become. 

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

The Letter I Don’t Think I’ll Send

I want to write to him, there’s so much I want to say. I made an agreement I wouldn’t contact him for two months... why? Because I need some space and time to heal and think. It’s a stupid number, from a stupid book, that suggest it’s a good length of time. I know I’ll be fine without him, yadda yadda yah, but it doesn’t mean I never want him in my life again - in some capacity.

So I thought it might be helpful to write the letter here that I’ve been itching to send him. Maybe I’ll never send it, maybe I will... but I’ll wait a few more weeks before I make a decision. Part of me hopes he gets in touch, that he lets go of his ego, his pride and whatever else and just puts it aside to make things right.

If I wrote to him today, this is what I’d say.

Dear Ben,

First of all: I love you.

It has only been through the loss of you and the pain caused by our break up that I’ve learned the depth of that love. It is unconditional. I love you inspite of what you’ve done. I love you for your faults, your weaknesses, your strengths. I love it all. I think I’ve seen you at your worst and I’ve certainly seen you at your best and I love you.

Secondly: I forgive you.

I don’t know why you did what you did, I have a thousand reasons that I’ve made up that might explain it or justify it. I’ve drowned myself in cognitive dissonance and tried to figure out the path of least hurt. But with every explanation, no matter how good nor how bad I arrive at the same place: I forgive you. Not because what you did was okay, but because I want to forgive you. Holding it against you, being mad at you for it, being angry for what happened... all of those options are more painful than understanding you’re human, you’re imperfect and you made a few big mistakes.

Sure, I wish you’d been more honest, I wish you’d talked to me about how you felt - because I would have moved heaven and earth to try to make things work. But you didn’t. It is what is is, and while you’ll probably never know how much you hurt me or how much you changed the world for me through that hurt, I forgive you.

I'm sorry for the hurt I caused you too. It was never my intention. I tried my best to support you, to help you grow, to love you and to be present with you but I was not perfect. I'm sorry for the hurt I caused you.

Third: You have been my greatest teacher.

Through you and the loss of you, I’ve learned so much about my self. I think you were like a drug for me, so intoxicating, so addictive... probably not really that good for me, but so good. A part of me feels like we’ve done this dance before, it all feels too familiar. Perhaps in another lifetime. From the moment I met you, I felt like I knew you. I craved you. Even now, I still do.

From the very beginning I was terrified of losing you. I never really relaxed or enjoyed what we had, because I was so wrapped up in the possibility it would not last forever. That terrified me. I couldn’t imagine a world without you in it - I never wanted to NOT know you. I still don’t. Now we’re apart I realise my life would just be fine without you. Not the same, and maybe it would always have a Ben-shaped-hole, but wonderful no less.

I have learned that I spend my life living in the past or living in the future. I’ve had a lot of hurt in my life and as much as I’ve tried to make the most of what I’ve had, I have held onto a lot of it. The loss of you has forced me into the present moment because the future is a bit too sad without you in it right now and the past is too painful. So here I am, staring at the beauty of the leaves moving in the wind. Listening deeply to my breath, feeling my toes tingle and the blood rush to my head when I finish an inversion in yoga.

All I feel today is gratittude (okay, sure, there’s a little bit of sadness, I just want to hear about your day and tell you about all the amazing things that have happened in the past 2.5 weeks)... I am grateful. I’m grateful I knew you. I’m grateful I had the opportunity to know you, to learn you, to be vulnerable with you. I wish a million times over things had ended differently, but they didn’t. It is what it is.

Thank you for teaching me more about myself than I have learned in a lifetime.

And please, next time you meet a girl who would move mountains to be with you and you don’t want to be with her anymore, just let her know. It will be hard, but if you ever cared about her at all, you’d want to save her the heartache and the self-questioning that I have just endured.

I wish you a world of happiness.

Love always and forever,