Wednesday, September 24, 2014

The Letter I Don’t Think I’ll Send

I want to write to him, there’s so much I want to say. I made an agreement I wouldn’t contact him for two months... why? Because I need some space and time to heal and think. It’s a stupid number, from a stupid book, that suggest it’s a good length of time. I know I’ll be fine without him, yadda yadda yah, but it doesn’t mean I never want him in my life again - in some capacity.

So I thought it might be helpful to write the letter here that I’ve been itching to send him. Maybe I’ll never send it, maybe I will... but I’ll wait a few more weeks before I make a decision. Part of me hopes he gets in touch, that he lets go of his ego, his pride and whatever else and just puts it aside to make things right.

If I wrote to him today, this is what I’d say.

Dear Ben,

First of all: I love you.

It has only been through the loss of you and the pain caused by our break up that I’ve learned the depth of that love. It is unconditional. I love you inspite of what you’ve done. I love you for your faults, your weaknesses, your strengths. I love it all. I think I’ve seen you at your worst and I’ve certainly seen you at your best and I love you.

Secondly: I forgive you.

I don’t know why you did what you did, I have a thousand reasons that I’ve made up that might explain it or justify it. I’ve drowned myself in cognitive dissonance and tried to figure out the path of least hurt. But with every explanation, no matter how good nor how bad I arrive at the same place: I forgive you. Not because what you did was okay, but because I want to forgive you. Holding it against you, being mad at you for it, being angry for what happened... all of those options are more painful than understanding you’re human, you’re imperfect and you made a few big mistakes.

Sure, I wish you’d been more honest, I wish you’d talked to me about how you felt - because I would have moved heaven and earth to try to make things work. But you didn’t. It is what is is, and while you’ll probably never know how much you hurt me or how much you changed the world for me through that hurt, I forgive you.

I'm sorry for the hurt I caused you too. It was never my intention. I tried my best to support you, to help you grow, to love you and to be present with you but I was not perfect. I'm sorry for the hurt I caused you.

Third: You have been my greatest teacher.

Through you and the loss of you, I’ve learned so much about my self. I think you were like a drug for me, so intoxicating, so addictive... probably not really that good for me, but so good. A part of me feels like we’ve done this dance before, it all feels too familiar. Perhaps in another lifetime. From the moment I met you, I felt like I knew you. I craved you. Even now, I still do.

From the very beginning I was terrified of losing you. I never really relaxed or enjoyed what we had, because I was so wrapped up in the possibility it would not last forever. That terrified me. I couldn’t imagine a world without you in it - I never wanted to NOT know you. I still don’t. Now we’re apart I realise my life would just be fine without you. Not the same, and maybe it would always have a Ben-shaped-hole, but wonderful no less.

I have learned that I spend my life living in the past or living in the future. I’ve had a lot of hurt in my life and as much as I’ve tried to make the most of what I’ve had, I have held onto a lot of it. The loss of you has forced me into the present moment because the future is a bit too sad without you in it right now and the past is too painful. So here I am, staring at the beauty of the leaves moving in the wind. Listening deeply to my breath, feeling my toes tingle and the blood rush to my head when I finish an inversion in yoga.

All I feel today is gratittude (okay, sure, there’s a little bit of sadness, I just want to hear about your day and tell you about all the amazing things that have happened in the past 2.5 weeks)... I am grateful. I’m grateful I knew you. I’m grateful I had the opportunity to know you, to learn you, to be vulnerable with you. I wish a million times over things had ended differently, but they didn’t. It is what it is.

Thank you for teaching me more about myself than I have learned in a lifetime.

And please, next time you meet a girl who would move mountains to be with you and you don’t want to be with her anymore, just let her know. It will be hard, but if you ever cared about her at all, you’d want to save her the heartache and the self-questioning that I have just endured.

I wish you a world of happiness.

Love always and forever,


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