Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Falling in love

It's 4am, on the dot, and I'm wide awake. I've got a cup of my sleepy tea beside me, but I'm not too hopeful. I already drank a glass some five hours earlier and here I am. Wide. Awake.

My head is a fluster of thoughts. I'm sinking. I'm lost in my own thoughts. It's like when you're smitten with someone new and you're trying to figure out if they're fond of you, too. Except I am smitten with my life, the possibilities and what lies ahead for me. I'll be leaving Christchurch in a few weeks; I'm heading to Auckland. I'll be leaving Auckland two weeks later; I don't know where I'm heading.

I think, to soothe myself, my brain has distracted me by entertaining me with a flood of beautiful ideas. I'd quite like to write in chalk some of my favourite quotes on a busy side walk somewhere and photograph people's reactions. Yes, that would be quite lovely, but it's probably not necessary to stay up wide awake thinking of what I could share. Yes! I could call it chalk thoughts... OHhh I wonder if it's registered. I should definitely get up and check - oh it's free - let's reserve that just.incase.

I watched 1.5/4 of Seth Godan's Road Trip videos, and honestly they're interesting. Very, very interesting. I must remember to watch the rest at a later date. http://www.vimeo.com/21453901

I'm feeling anxious about a lot of things, or maybe I'm feeling anxious because I'm not really anxious enough about a lot of things... This is a weird part of my life... a year ago I was deeply in love with someone I adored, a great group of friends, a stable (but unfulfilling job), a nice home, all that I could want, a lovely holiday away planned and I was unhappy. Not because of any of those things, but because of all of me. I know I'm capable of great things. Honestly, I think everyone really is. But I guess I've got an advantage over a few; I know I'm capable of greatness and I want to make that happen. I do feel like everything leading up to this head space was absolutely necessary. Everything, good and bad, has etched me towards right now. I really do feel like I'm on the brink of something amazing. I guess that's why there's the sleeplessness because I can feel it's coming and I want to savour it all before then.

I don't really know what's next for me. It's hard, people keep asking and all I know is Holi festival 2012. I have friends who are married, who have babies and careers. That's amazing and I'm genuinely happy for them. But for me, that's a world away. I'm so free at the moment, more free than I've been in a very long time and I am really grateful for that. I think the world would be a really spectacular place if everyone lived their passions. I suppose it's hard if you've not found yours yet, or if you have and you're scared it's not enough. Or maybe you've found your passion, but you're so stuck into a routine with responsibilities that you can't move towards it just yet. I am lucky because here I am, without commitments or responsibilities, and I am allowing myself to find out what I want most from life and to work towards that. towards my passions. I'm not saying this kind of leap of faith is suited to everyone, but I do think it's perfectly suited to me, for right now.

I'll be honest, I do miss having someone to love. When I'm alone I direct all that love, I'd usually share, at myself. It's actually quite nice. Life is pretty fantastic when you sit down and really think about it.

In other completely unrelated but still wonderful news: My Kiva loan went out. It's the first time I've done something like this, and honestly it feels really cool. I hope my afghani borrowers know that this random girl, far far away, believes in them and wants better for them. I look forward to my next lending out.

And this song, oh boy this song. This is a song that great change could happen to. I could imagine it playing when you catch a glance at someone and get lost in their eyes. It's a song I could lay in the sunshine and brush my feet across the green grass while listening to it. I think it's kind of my like my own personal Alice and Wonderland hole. I could fall into it and have my own little magical experience. I think it's lovely.

1 comment:

bey0nd said...

you do realize that this performance is one of MANY absolutely lovely "take away shows"


^ example :)