February

February used to be my month: no one else in my immediate family had a birthday in February, so I claimed it as my own. As a child it was the highlight of my year - filled with cake, presents, attention and sunshine. I relished February.

As I got a little older, February meant something more; there was valentines day shared with flames and two of my favourite people in the world have birthdays either side of mine - February became more of an "us" thing, for all the right reasons.

The beginning of last February was incredible; I was in Cambodia, volunteering, with some of the most amazing people I've ever met. My days were spent biking along the fiery dirt roads, helping to teach English to beautiful little souls, smiling so hard my face hurt, late night chats on the balcony (with some $2 whiskey in hand) and I felt a level of contentment like nothing before. Most often people go on holiday to have a rest, to relax their mind. Takeo is the holiday for my heart. I can't really explain it further than that, but anyone who's been there will know what I mean. It was the most wonderful place to spend a birthday.

It was a hard decision to leave Takeo, especially as I had a month spare. But India felt like the right move and on the 21st of February I flew to Calcutta. And on the 22nd of February everything changed.February is no longer just a month of celebration, this year it marks an anniversary my greatest loss and the saddest, darkest few days of my life. Although my birthday is two weeks before, this is my first birthday without her. And while I really should have come to terms with everything and the permanence of it all, I guess I quite simply haven't. It may sound trivial, but somehow her not being able to wish me a happy birthday makes everything a little too real. It is with a heavy heart that I welcome my 24th year, but I'm ready.

And it may in fact be a little too ironic that this year looks to be the year I become an aunty. It's funny how life sometimes works like that. Hakuna matata.