Upwards

Matters of the heart hurt.

Emotions run deep within all of us, surfacing at the worst of times.

One of my weaknesses is that I can get lost in things; the beauty of sunshine, the chant of monks as dawn breaks, the fleetingness of a moment and the passion shared with another; the possibility in all of that.


They say fools rush in. I seem to jump in, eyes closed, breath paused and I hope for the best. Most often this brings all kinds of adventures, sprinkled with happiness, soaked in experiences and with a hint of sweet knowing - knowing that it was the perfect choice, at the perfect time.


Sometimes, however, the landing isn't smooth and I seem to feel a little battered and bruised. Maybe I trusted too much; maybe I assumed too quickly or worst of all; maybe I was just wrong.

When this happens, it's hard to trust in yourself and in those decisions you made moments long ago. I'm learning, I'm learning to accept that in whatever moment I made the best decision I thought possible.

And that's all that I could ask of myself.

My motto for this year was to be kind; to have a solid foundation of kindness beneath everything. To have kind thoughts, kind feelings and kind actions.

I feel like I'm stepping, slowly, closer towards the person I want to be. To the person I need to be.

I still remember when I was 6 or 7 and I went with my grandma to our local supermarket. She never had much money, but she would always specifically choose to by World Vision sponsored products, because a few cents here and there were donated to charity. I saw her intentionally picking these out and asked why she was doing that.

She said to me,

"I'm just doing what I can to help, we all need to do as much as we can for others"

I find myself in an incredible position, right now. A fresh self-created career as a freelance writer that pays the bills and enough for me to do whatever I please. Detached from anyone and anywhere. But most of all, I find myself inspired; inspired by the words of a lady who left my life too long ago.

We all need to do as much as we can for others. 

I'm going to figure out how I can play my piece.

Of all the places I've visited, there's only one place that feels unresolved.

It's India. It's obvious.

Here's to heartache and the amazing way it rips you open and like a vacuum sucks the world of possibilites inside you.

Here's to bigger and better things.

And here's to making the world a better place.

Here, again.

It was two years ago, almost exactly I first made this blog. It was a lullaby I made for myself, to soothe through the ache of losing someone, to calm my fears as I plunged into the world of travel and it's not surprising I find myself here again - seeking comfort once again.

But things are different; there's a new heartache and instead of needing the courage to take the plunge, I need to regain my courage to stay still.

There was someone who I traveled the entire world thinking of, missing and loving. When I returned home things quickly exploded into a mess of heartache and hurt.

It went from nothing, to everything, to less than nothing within a span of five days.

But I guess it only take a second or a text to change the course of your entire life.


I sit here, trying to rearrange my thoughts, trying to make sense out of something that is founded on anything but sense and all I realise is what a different girl I am.

I'm stronger, braver and more comfortable in myself. I am just as aware of my imperfections, my fiery passion and my unsatisfiable curiosity, but these are my strengths - these are what make me more me.

I met a boy I would have stopped traveling the world for, I came home to see him and it dissolved into nothingness. Facebook deletion, a few tears and a bit of heartache and here I am wondering how everything could so easily turn into nothing.

I believe that everyone comes into your life to teach you something, to show you something or to push you towards something.

I had hoped that he would play a bigger part in my life, that all that passion and desire could turn into something incredible. But I've come to realise, quite quickly, that maybe it has already been all it was supposed to be.

I met him so that I could be pulled back to Christchurch for a summer. So that I could stop, evaluate the past two years and dig a little deeper into being myself.

It's sad... letting go. But I'm glad I met him, I glad we had whatever we did, even if it did confuse the hell out of me and I'm glad I have this time to focus on myself and what I want out of life - because somewhere along the way I got a little confused - blinded by the promise of affection.

I know the steps I have to take to realign myself; a new camera so I can see again, a new hair cut so I feel all shiny, gym, clean diet and good times with friends and family.

Part of me hopes this isn't the end, part of me hopes that there will be a second chance where we get to explore whatever we had, but a big part of me is okay if this is all it was meant to be.

What a difference two  years makes.