Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Here, again.

It was two years ago, almost exactly I first made this blog. It was a lullaby I made for myself, to soothe through the ache of losing someone, to calm my fears as I plunged into the world of travel and it's not surprising I find myself here again - seeking comfort once again.

But things are different; there's a new heartache and instead of needing the courage to take the plunge, I need to regain my courage to stay still.

There was someone who I traveled the entire world thinking of, missing and loving. When I returned home things quickly exploded into a mess of heartache and hurt.

It went from nothing, to everything, to less than nothing within a span of five days.

But I guess it only take a second or a text to change the course of your entire life.

I sit here, trying to rearrange my thoughts, trying to make sense out of something that is founded on anything but sense and all I realise is what a different girl I am.

I'm stronger, braver and more comfortable in myself. I am just as aware of my imperfections, my fiery passion and my unsatisfiable curiosity, but these are my strengths - these are what make me more me.

I met a boy I would have stopped traveling the world for, I came home to see him and it dissolved into nothingness. Facebook deletion, a few tears and a bit of heartache and here I am wondering how everything could so easily turn into nothing.

I believe that everyone comes into your life to teach you something, to show you something or to push you towards something.

I had hoped that he would play a bigger part in my life, that all that passion and desire could turn into something incredible. But I've come to realise, quite quickly, that maybe it has already been all it was supposed to be.

I met him so that I could be pulled back to Christchurch for a summer. So that I could stop, evaluate the past two years and dig a little deeper into being myself.

It's sad... letting go. But I'm glad I met him, I glad we had whatever we did, even if it did confuse the hell out of me and I'm glad I have this time to focus on myself and what I want out of life - because somewhere along the way I got a little confused - blinded by the promise of affection.

I know the steps I have to take to realign myself; a new camera so I can see again, a new hair cut so I feel all shiny, gym, clean diet and good times with friends and family.

Part of me hopes this isn't the end, part of me hopes that there will be a second chance where we get to explore whatever we had, but a big part of me is okay if this is all it was meant to be.

What a difference two  years makes.

1 comment:

Dawn said...

Oh my gosh...you're here! You're back! I'm so happy to see a post from you...even if you are having a struggling time right now. However, your attitude sounds inspirational at this time. There is no need to drag yourself down, and I am glad to hear that you know precisely what you need to do. You're also aware that people come and go in our lives for one reason or another...even if we don't understand it at the time. There was once a boy in my life, too, and I never knew why we ended things, why things turned out the way they did...until now. Three years later. Oh, time.