Friday, January 18, 2013

Letting go

When I flew home in October I was anxious; maybe I knew that an emotional shitstorm was impending, maybe I was just worried about the loss of an adventure. It doesn't really matter which way it was - it simply wasn't comfortable. It wasn't good for me.

So I left and looking back I can objectively say I was running away as much as I was running towards. I was running towards the life I'd created over the past two years; fluid, full of movement, change. I was running away from hurt, lies and someone who seemed to have a hold over me they simply didn't deserve.

It's been a weird trip. Oddly balanced by extraordinary wonder and then just life. Life has interrupted this trip. It has grabbed me, shaken me and forced perspective down my throat.

The dramas that unfurled between someone I really cared about when I was home really felt like the end of the world, or at least that world that I'd reserved and dug out of my imagination. Sometimes it's the loss of things that didn't exist yet that hurt the most; the loss of possibility. Then there's the knowing - the knowing that they will always be the person that made you feel like that. But that is just a memory now, isn't it?

I find myself wondering what I'm scared of. Is it some kind of lingering hurt that's echoing throughout me or is it the acute awareness of what that person is capable of. Is is just knowing this is a situation I have no control over.

Just north of Chiang Rai my friend and I were returning from a border run at the Burmese border on a motorbike when we passed through a sleepy village. Everyone had poured onto the footpaths and traffic was slow; the cars, motorbikes and bystanders were all holding their breath.

As we passed through the cordoned off scene, it became obvious that only minutes before there had been a motorcycle crash. A man lay still, his head surrounded by blood and his eyes facing towards me. It was the first time I'd seen someone dead like that, but the most chilling part was the fact no one was helping him. He was so dead there was no urgency in tending to him. Nothing could be done.

I thought about his family, did he have children? A wife? How would they be told? I felt sick, what had happened back home seemed to small in comparison, so permeable.

As I get older I'm trying to let go of a lot of things simply because they're heavy.

But also because they're not relevant anymore.
They don't exist anymore.
They're just memories; anchors resting on the seabed from ships that sailed away many years ago.

I'm home in exactly one month.

I used to believe that traveling to far- away and exotic places would change me the most. That the culture shock, the unfamiliarity, the difference would force me to evolve, but now I've realised going home seems to change me the most.


That same familiar anxiety returned and I'm going to try to let go.



3 comments:

Emily said...

Your writing always resonates with me, and this post was particularly powerful. Thank you for sharing.

Anonymous said...

The articleice Machines introduces:This article about How To Buy Commercial Ice Machines For Restaurant,With the introduction of cutting edge and innovative technologies, a commercial ice machine is no longer a bulky device producing insanitation, consuming a lot ...

If you need more ice Machines infomation about How To Buy Commercial Ice Machines For Restaurant, Click here to find.

With the introduction of cutting ice Machines edge and innovative technologies, a commercial ice machine is no longer a bulky device producing insanitation, consuming a lot of energy, making noise, and taking a lot of time to make the needed supply of ice. As a result of high end technologies, commercial ice machines are able to achieve “being green” the highest levels of energy and water conservation. Now a commercial ice machine can easily produce from 65 pounds to 2,000 pounds of ice cubes in a day. You can find varied shapes of ice cubes such as dice, half dice, octagon, crushed, nugget, and flake.

Commercial ice machines are the standalone units,ice Machines designed to produce large quantities of ice for various commercial purposes. Once installed, these commercial ice makers are pretty automatic and do not need much attention from you or your staff. These factory-made machines consist of a condensing unit and ice-making section that operates as an integrated unit to make ice, an ice bin or a storage unit to store the created ice and a dispensing unit to dispense the ice out of the machine. Many automatic ice machines use moving water to create an improved quality of ice cubes. They work on the principle of “faster the water moves the better the ice quality becomes”. In this process, the air and un-dissolved solids get washed away. This results in pure and clear ice production.

Large amounts of ice are demanded for various purposes in many ice Machines commercial entities such as Restaurants, Bars, Ice Cream Parlors, Bakeries, Country Clubs and Golf Courses. A commercial ice machine is the perfect choice for such places as the large quantity of ice also needs to be a certain quality as well. Automatic commercial ice machines will make plenty of ice of equal size in a short span of time. All you need to do is just start the machine and set the required functions, and leave the rest up to the machine. You will get good quantity of quality ice in a short amount of time. In addition, many commercial ice machines come with a self cleaning function. This will help maintain the quality and quantity if the produced ice while decreasing the time that you and or your staff must spend with the machine.

Keep in mind that there are two varieties of ice machines: air cooled and waterice Machines cooled. Air cooled ice machines use air to disperse the heat, whereas water cooled ice machine uses water to do the same function. Air cooled ice machines use more energy and also are much noisier than water cooled ice machines. However, they are more affordable than water cooled ice machines.

An assorted collection of wonderful, fast and energy efficient commercial ice makers are readilyice Machines available in the market. Various renowned and reliable manufacturers have come up with their unique range of these amazing machines. Numerous models that create different types and sizes of ice are available in the local and online market. A competitive urge of creating more efficient and cost effective ice machines, has left the customers and consumers with a distinctive variety of these units in which to choose.

Mallory said...

It's so interesting that we expect traveling to change us...when coming home is actually what can be more of a changer. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I hope that you'll find peace within and outside of yourself.