Saturday, September 13, 2014

Letting Go Part 2

I find myself seeking comfort here. I've been here before, writing the same words before about the same man.

Last weekend I was cheated on and lied to, by the one person I adored more than anything.

And as much as that hurts, and sucks, and I wish I could invent a time machine to stop it all from happening. There's something that hurts more:

That he never told me anything was wrong. He never told me he had doubts of our relationship. He never told me he wanted out.

In fact, he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me.

In the past 5 days I've literally had my world tossed upside down.

I knew I had to leave immediately, even though I didn't want to. I wanted to stay. I wanted to talk. I wanted to work it out. I wanted to forgive him and love him and cuddle him.

But I left.

Now I'm in Ubud, Bali and I can see all the ways I was neglecting myself in that relationship. I wasn't my best self. After such a traumatic family event earlier in the year, I had forgotten how to take care of myself. I had forgotten what I needed. I had forgotten how to be me.

Today I had a very emotional 90 minute Yin class. While my body released tensions, my emotions built up and constantly my thoughts went back to him.

There were so many lovely things in our relationship - the way we worked together, when we went luging, I loved the ways his eyes lit up when he talked about things he was passionate about, the way I felt in his arms. I knew his whole body. I thought I knew his mind.

And I loved him, deeply, passionately, thoroughly.

I've never loved anyone quite that much before.

We'd been having problems, a few fights. We had been moving around too much, maybe he was missing home, maybe he was uncertain he wanted to travel with me, maybe he wasn't sure. I was stressed about home.

But we never had an opportunity to work through those things and that hurts me deeply.

He's the man I stayed in Christchurch for, for 1.5 years in order to be able to go on an adventure for.
He's the man who I loyally filmed at as many races and practice runs as I could.
He's the man that I used to find myself wrapped up in his arms, and wonder how anything could feel so good.
He's the man who was a part of each and every plan and dream I had for my future.

And now he's the man I cannot see, I cannot hug, I cannot talk to, I cannot touch.

This transition from seeing him every day to not seeing him at all hurts. It's painful. It aches.

It feels unnatural.

There's a big part of me that wants to sit down with him at the table, lay everything out, and see if there's enough there that we can rebuild. I can forgive, but is there enough to rebuild?

I now know, for the first time in my life, what it is to love someone unconditionally. I can see past this mistake, I can see that he's human, I can see that I had an influence in his actions.

But there's a part of me that's wondering if this was the universe's way of thrusting me to where I needed to be. Teaching what I needed to learn. And showing me what I needed to be shown. Even if it's not the lesson I wanted right now.

In a week he'll be boarding a flight to Paris. Our flight. The flight we were supposed take together heading to Europe.

The thing I find hardest to deal with is wondering if he'll ever be in my life again. If I'll ever be able to brain storm about silly ideas, watch geeky documentaries with him, or nuzzle into his shoulder again.

The last day we hung out normally he collected heart shaped pieces of coral for me. :(

Will he now become that someone that I used to know?

Every inch of my body doesn't want this to become true.

So over the next few weeks, before I head back to Thailand, I'm going to do a lot of Yin. I'm going to dig deep. I'm going to allow myself to let go. I'm going to let go of what I can't control. I'm going to learn to trust in the universe again. I'm going to get excited about Buenos Aires. I'm going to hope that there's a time, in future, where we can be a part of each other's lives again.

I'm going to breathe and hope it works out exactly as it was always supposed to, even if it's now how I imagined or what I wanted at all.

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