Friday, September 19, 2014

Is it Really Over?

It's been two weeks since he cheated, and almost two weeks since I've seen him. This is the longest period we've gone without talking in two years and it S U C K S.

I hate it.

Whenever anything good happens, I want to call him. I'm like OMG Ben would love this and then I remember I can't call him and it just feels really shit.

I feel like my body has split in two: there's my mind which is saying move on, you deserve better, he wasn't perfect, this wasn't ok.

Then there's my heart that sees him and knows him and loves him and understands that he's just a person. Perfectly imperfect.

I'm trying to listen to my 'gut' or my intuition, but my heart and head are far too noisy.

The thing is, I know I can slam that door shut, write a long, long list of all the shitty things he did and the reasons why I don't want him in my life and move on. I'll meet someone else, I'm sure, we'll have some chemistry and some sparks and then happily ever after.

Except, I think I'll always wonder. There was something so magical between Ben and I when we first met. I remember it all so clearly. I felt like I knew him from sometime long ago. It just felt right. Then all of our insecurities got in the way. I ended things. He didn't want to date me. We dated. I sent stupid messages, now this. A game of hurting, backwards and forwards, passing it between us until eventually it exploded.

Sometimes I wonder if in relationships all the love at the beginning comes back at the end, but in the opposite way. The whole entropy thing. Energy cannot be created nor destroyed, just changed from one state to another. What if that's true of love. What if all the love we had - and there was a lot - was changed into hate. Is that why things are so terrible now, why things exploded so badly? Why he blames me for this.

It's hard because I know in my heart of hearts I could forgive him for this. I know in my heart of hearts I WANT to forgive him for this. I want to try again.

But he hasn't messaged me and I don't think he will. I'm not sure if he's too proud, or too busy enjoying single life in Thailand... or if he just doesn't want to.

I have listened to the rap he wrote me a few times and it breaks my heart. There's no doubt in my mind that he loved me, so why did we end up here?

I just wish I could give him a hug, tell him I accept his flaws and see where we stand.

The thing is, being in a relationship makes you vulnerable. I knew his weaknesses, the stupid things he had done (well some of them), his faults, his strengths, I knew how he was with money, I'd seen him really drunk, stoned and all of these things. I'd really seen him - all of him - good and bad. And I loved him still.

I wonder if he just wanted to be seen through someone new's eyes. To feel perfect, exciting and new.

I know either way I'll be fine, but a big part of me is hoping for an email with answers, at the very least.

The more I try to let go, the more I want to hold on.

It has taken all of my will power to not message him this past week, but I don't even know if I'm making the right 'moves' :(

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