Saturday, September 20, 2014

Two Weeks

I've allowed myself two weeks to mourn the loss of this relationship. A week for a year's worth of love, adventure, planning and dreams.

You see, I really, really, really thought I'd marry him. It didn't scare me; in fact it thrilled me. I could imagine myself old and the bucketload of stories we'd have to share and remember. And I liked that picture. I didn't really care if we had kids or not. I didn't really care where we were or where we went, because he felt like home.

But that's not the reality any more. In fact, the man I fell in love with seems so far removed from the valium binging, lying, cheating man that I left on Koh Phi Phi.

This Sunday is a special day, as it's the day we were supposed to fly to Paris - the city of romance. I was so excited about revisiting Paris with him as it was a city I had not manage to fall for last time I visited.

It was painful cancelling the rail passes I'd organised for us, the beautiful hotels I had arrange and the car hire for the South of France.

I tried to offer him everything; a career, support (emotional, financial), love, encouragement, friendship, companionship. Everything. Yes there are mistakes I made, but I admitted them and was prepared to do anything to move forward and ensure we could have the happiest time together.

I waited 1.5 years for him to be ready to travel, I know I would have done anything to make him happier and more secure in the relationship, even if it meant ending the relationship amicably. 

Looking back, when something falls apart, you can see the small moments that you should have perhaps done differently. The things you wish you could change. The words you wish you could have said a little louder, or the sentences that should have lingered a little longer.

The truth is, and as much as I love him and what we had back: I deserve better. I deserve honesty, I deserve an apology, I deserve someone who looks me in the eye and doesn't lie. Whether it's about stupid things like phone contracts or important things like the fact he had actually cheated.

I know I'll live an exceptional life, because that's what I want from life. I thought it would be exceptional with him - and that excited me - but I know very well it can be exceptional without him.

Part of me hopes he messages me before Sunday, to talk, to think things through, to decide where we stand and where we want to stand. A bigger part of me, who knows him fairly well, assumes he won't contact me. Because if he contacts me he has to admit that he acted in a selfish and hurtful way.

You see, when you're cheated on it - it hurts. It makes you question the entire time you spent with them, your self worth, why you gave so much for them to only care so little, and what else they told you was a lie. It is soul crushing. It is the most pain I have felt in a very long time.

This year was one of the hardest, most challenging years of my life and the silver lining of it was that we were embarking on a wonderful adventure together; traveling where we wanted, earning a lot of money, and setting ourselves up for the future.

Yes, we argued a lot before we broke up. I think it was in part because we were trying to find a balance between work, traveling and maintaining a relationship. We were moving around too much because of the sponsored stays, which I only did so many of because he wanted to. I knew we needed time to relax and unwind, and that's why I chose to stay so long on Koh Phi Phi. It's a shame he cheated before we had a chance to see how things worked out.

So Sunday it is, I close the door. I'll throw away the key and he can forever be the guy who "it could have worked out with, maybe, in another lifetime". It is sad that the person I loved most in the world will also now be the same person who hurt me the most. But perhaps that's natural - they say energy cannot be created nor destroyed, just changed from one state to another.

The thing is, as sad as I am it is over, I have a good feeling about my future. I've completely rehashed my business model in the past week or so. I've made plans to visit a friend in Bangkok next week, then I'll book some flights to Buenos Aires. I'll learn to salsa dance in South America, I'll become fluent in Spanish and instead of giving my heart to one man who doesn't know how to to look after it, I'll give it to the world.

A few years ago I found this quote, and it feels as poignant now as it ever did: If you love the world, it will love you back!

I love this world and the crazy adventures I'll be embarking on next Wednesday!


2 comments:

Anonymous said...

The best is yet to come...

withoutizy said...

God, I hope so. I thought he was the best. But I'm open to the fact I might have been wrong. I don't know.